Computer Humor

The Naughton Futilities

You, in a rush to finish that big presentation that's due tomorrow, have just dropped your laptop in the toilet. You need your data recovered. Now.

What can you do?

Nothing. Or, just as good, reach for the Naughton Futilities.

The Naughton Futilities are a comprehensive, dedicated set of programs. And all of them are futile. So you'll only use them when things are completely hopeless.

But it can certainly take your mind off impending diaster to run them. Not to mention providing you with excuses to try out on those who were depending on you.

The Naughton Futilities include:

DISKREDIT – Disclaimer of responsibility for damage caused by the Naughton Futilities.

NDD – Naughton Disk Detector. Tells you if your disk is in the disk drive. Also tells you how many fixed disks you have.

UNERASE – Bears the same relation to DOS's ERASE command that "Uncola" does to Coke. Erases files by filling their data space with blanks.

NCD – Naughton Change Directory. Changes your directories into files by dumping their contents into FILE0001, FILE0002...

BE – Botch Enhancer. More to go wrong. More to bitch about. More excuses for your boss.

SFORMAT – Squadron Leader Format. Formats your disk using the Avalon Hill case numbering system.

SPEEDISK – Decreases disk access time by UNERASEing all data on your disk.

LD – List Directories. Tells you what directories were destroyed by NCD.

SI – System Information. Tells you all the damage you've done by using the Naughton Futilities. Useful in preparing futile lawsuits (see DISKREDIT).

A product of Ed Naughton Computing "Naughton! I gotta problem with my hard drive!" "Hey eh Ralph, maybe it's your FAT table! Va-Va-Va-Voom!"

Parkay ZAP!

Parkay ZAP! uses revolutionary algorithims to compress your files more completely than any other archive utility. Parkay ZAP! can often achieve one hundred percent compression! Try that with Arg or Lazy H!

Here are a few of the many compression options in Parkay ZAP!:

GHOST – Moves the file to volatile memory and powers down.

DECIMATE – Deletes every tenth byte.

STASH – Hides the file in the wasted sector space at the ends of other files.

STACK – Uses the file to overwrite another file.

BITMOP – Shrinks huge graphic files by changing them to simple line drawings of bunny rabbits.

PLOP – Sends the file soaring from your computer to land on the floor like a spoonful of mashed potatoes. Useful for amusing small children.

SAP – Hits you on the back of your head with a blackjack. When you wake, the file is gone, and you've forgotten it ever existed.

BURP – Removes sloppy, memory-hogging code from a program. Useful for GUI apps and any game made after 1991.

RUB – Keeps you occupied while Parkay ZAP! does its work.

ZAP! – Deletes the file, achieving a 100% compression ratio.

ZENO – Compresses the file 50%, then does it again, then does it again...

PIFFLE – Fills the file with useless, space-wasting code. Use to restore Windows applications from Burp compression.

ZIT – Squeezes the file until it pops, leaving a slimy residue on your disk.

STRIP – Prints the file out and shreds it.

PARKAY ZAP! – "The Butter Compression Utility"