George Carlin usually reads off a list of impolite words or phrases in his college appearances. It was at such an appearance, about five years ago, that I heard him read an incredibly long list of male masturbatory euphemisms ("Pound your pud," "Spank your frank," "Jerk the gherkin," etc.) He then said that there were only two female masturbatory euphemisms that he could think of: "Two finger tango" and "Makin' some soup." Inspired by this, I wrote the following list of F.M.E. later that night in a burst of something or other which might have been creativity. I feel however, that I was most likely Chosen.

Your help is needed to distribute, disseminate, and otherwise work them into our culture. If we all pitch in and use them in our everyday conversation, I promise that the world will be a different place.

(The idea is scarcely original with George or myself. For more F.M.E., see issue #7 of Roberta Gregory's comic, Naughty Bits [Fantagraphics]. In fact, see other issues of Roberta Gregory's comic, Naughty Bits. All of them. You won't be sorry.)

Stroke your slit
Cup your cunt
Feel the fur
Bisecting the triangle
Cuddle your clit
Rubbin' your nubbin
Spelunking
Exploring Carlsbad Caverns
Pet your pussy
Pound the mound
Hump the bump
Strokin' and pokin'
A walk through the valley of love
Fluff your muff
Pull your clit 'til you spit
Leave it to beaver
Cook the clam
The Palmolive finger dip
Burrow ride through Grand Canyon
Panning for gold
Soak your seat
Dip your digits
Wet your whistle
Cleaning the fish
Shelling the oyster
The furry finger fuck
Having some clam dip
Parting the waters
Swat your twat
Lovin' your oven
Playing the 1812 overture
Feed the beaver
The merry widow waltz
Banana in your box
Cucumber in your cooze
Drowning the crabs
Rub your cooze 'til you ooze
The non-penile pleasure pursuit
The dickless dildo dance
Punt your cunt
Cook your nookie
Scratch your snatch
Lick your lips
The Tibetan self-inflicted crotch nuzzle
The harmonious hand hump
Giving yourself the finger
Split your slit
Feed the cat
Let your fingers do the walking
Candlesticking
Make the tide come in
Tickling the tuna taco
Jerkin' your merkin
See if the baby's home
Weighing anchor
Nuzzle your fuzz
Plumbing the bottomless pit of passion
Womanipulation (thanks to Kristin Hardin)

Feel free to add to this list. Just drop an e-mail below, and if I like it, I'll put it up and give you credit.