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"Jesus is a very direct otherworldly spirit," said Director Anita Courage. "When you invite him into your heart, he just comes barging in, apparently without any thought for the consequences."
Courage demonstrated her point by displaying two charts. The first showed a cross-section of a heart with a severe buildup of cholesterol in the major blood vessels. The second showed the same heart with the Holy Spirit inside, jammed into and completely blocking the left ventricle. "This would result in a fatal heart attack," she said.
"Jesus is just about the worst spokesperson we could select to promote cardiac health," continued Courage. "Certain Catholic paintings show him with a combusting heart that has been wrapped with a circle of thorns. This is perhaps acceptable for a non-material entity, but is obviously harmful to humans."
Worse results than a heart attack can ensue, as Joseph Canzerra, of New Brunswick, NJ, found to his sorrow. His widow, Margaret, relates what happened.
"Joe came home with one of those pamphlets with all the cartoons in it, and it scared him," wept Margaret. "It said that Joe was going to go to Hell when he died unless he let Christ into his heart. There was a little form in the back of the book where you could put a check mark if you wanted Christ in your heart, and Joe got a pencil to fill it in. The moment he did, he got a look of shock on his face and fell over and blood started pouring from his mouth. I was screaming and trying to help him. His chest bulged and a red stain spread out on his shirt, then Jesus came popping out of his chest like a baby Alien. He looked down at me with those big deep doglike eyes and asked me if I wanted him in my heart, too. I was in shock, with Joe's blood all over me, and I'm afraid I wasn't too polite to him."
Canzerra stated that Jesus then ascended to Heaven in a blaze of light, causing an additional $7,000 worth of damage to the roof of her house.
Chic Publications, publisher of the cartoon tract, had little comment on the many lawsuits from bereaved families. A Chic spokesperson said, "Why worry? They're all in God's hands now." Another Chic employee, who requested anonymity, stated that killing people who gave their hearts to Christ was actually a good policy.
"Once people are washed clean in the Blood of Christ, they are in constant danger from this secular world," said the anonymous source. "An immediate death while still in God's grace is the best way to ensure a place in the Kingdom of Heaven."
When Margaret Canzerra was asked her opinion of this statement,
she replied: "I think those smug bastards could at least ask you first,
or give you a warning. The way I see it, Christ washed himself in
Joe's blood, not the other way around."
Now, think of millions of Christians worldwide, each one wearing a painstakingly crafted image of Jesus writhing in torment on the Cross.
The scene cuts to heaven, where Jesus's spirit, nailed by voodoo to an etherial cross, shudders in a perpetual torment worse than that visited upon sinning souls in Hell. "AIIGGHH! Dad-damnit, when can I get down from here? 'They know not what they do -' I BET they FUCKING WELL know what they're doing!"
Even better - the Bible says that you were made in God's
image. What happens when you cut your finger? Or get horny?
With bloody, tattered robe and tired frame
He gained the top and gazed towards the Crown;
And still Christ blindly moaned and called his name.
"Yes, Lord, I stand before you!" Christ smiled down
From straining face, and spoke with joy sincere:
"Oh, Peter! I can see your house from here!"
Madalyn Murray O' Hair
At a church's bake sale, gave a scare
When she looked in a pie
With a skeptical eye
And announced, "There's no filling in there!"
An Agnostic said, "Much do I grieve,
For uncertainty brings no repreive.
While most have their prayers
To soften their cares,
I believe I don't think I believe."